In All Honesty

Courtesy Google Images

Honesty.  Are we really truly honest with ourselves, with other people?  I wonder sometimes if people really know what honesty really is?  How do you know if someone is being honest with you?  How do you know what you read is true and honest?  How do you know what you hear on TV is honest?

Courtesy Google Images

It can be really hard to be honest.  I think most of the time it is hard to be honest because we are fearful.  Fearful that what we are going to say out-loud is going to hurt.  Hurt ourselves and hurt the people around us.  And frankly, I do not think some people want to hear the honest truth.  They would rather not know and live in their own little fantasy world.  


I watch my son's face when he is confronted about something that he has done.  His face speaks it all. It contorts in all sorts of directions and his eyes look scared.   I reassure him that it is good to be honest, that he will be in much deeper trouble if he isn't honest.  And so far, in his four years, he still comes clean with what he has done.  I pray his honesty will stick around for a long time.

Courtesy of Google Images

Have you ever done something that you are so scared and upset about that you can't do anything else, but think about it.  Worry about it.  Oh man I have.  This is just one little measly example, but I was so distraught about the whole thing I just about made myself sick.  During the time I was living with my in-laws I would help clean the house and do the dishes.  I was loading the dish washer with some of my mother in-laws nice goblet style glasses and wouldn't you know it, one broke.  Oh the pit in my stomach was huge.  I just knew that she probably got them in Alaska years and years ago.   I could have let the matter go and not say a word, but I just couldn't.  I was honest and let her know what I had done.  And of course I was right.  She got the set years ago in Alaska when she lived there.  Grrrrrrr.  But she was so nice and gracious about it.  All the while, I know she was disappointed.  The pit in my stomach eventually went away and all was good and right in my little world once again.


 Dictionary.com states that honesty is: 
1. the quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness. 
2. truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness.  
3. freedom from deceit or fraud.

Courtesy of Google Images

Are you being honest today? Even with the little stuff.  If you can't be honest with the little stuff, how can you be honest with the big stuff in life?   Deuteronomy 25:13-16 says you must live accurate and honest because God does not like dishonesty.  And I would venture to say, that every last one of us that have been lied to, would say we do not like dishonesty either.  It is ugly.


In my little fantasy world everyone would be honest.  Politicians, leaders, businesses, family members, everyone would be honest.  No one would cheat you out of things.  I wonder what the world would look like if we were all honest with one another?  Maybe it would be uglier?  Maybe the things are sugar coated now would melt away?  

Courtesy of Google Images

It may hurt at the time, but I have a whole lot of respect for people who can be honest with me.  I would much rather someone tell me, uhhh are you sure you should wear that?  I'm not so sure that vehicle is a good choice, or Selena Marie, shut up and listen to yourself.  Thank God I have had all of those things said to me at some time in my life.  And I thank God for the people who have said it.  When I was younger, to make sure someone would know that I was being completely honest or they were being honest, we would pinkie swear.  Because that is what telling the truth was all about.  Pinkie swearing.  I wonder if we could get some of our politicians to pinkie swear?


While typing up this post I decided to try and find a 'picture of honesty' and that is exactly what I googled.  And you wouldn't believe what I found.  Did you know there is an actual day called Honesty Day??  I had no idea!  Honesty Day is celebrated to encourage people to be honest on April 30th.  Wow.  We have to have a day to realize and recognize we need to be honest.  Wow.  Check it out on the Wiki.  So start practicing now because Honesty Day is coming soon.  I also found a blog called Daily Rant with a post about honesty that I like: Daily Rant.


In all honesty, I am not looking forward to Mother's Day.  I keep hearing all the advertisements on what you should buy for your mother.  I know it is a celebration of mothers.  This is my first Mother's Day as a momma of 3.  But honestly, I am just reminded that I do not have my mother to share it with.  But I will try my best to be present for my kids and my best will just have to be okay.   For now, I will have to be satisfied with remembering the phrase my mom would always say to me.  I am sure you have heard it too.  Honesty is the best policy.

Courtesy of Google Images

~ Selena

Searching for Significance: Part 2

Mt. McKinley (Denali)

I think it would be safe to say that most people want to do something significant.  They want feel good about who they are and what they are doing.  I am the same way.

I feel I should take you back a little bit, to snippets of my life that I feel are important in this search for significance.  I encourage you to read Part 1, if you haven't.

While in college I helped with a local youth group.  This group was made up of youth from small churches in the area.  We met in one location and had a lot of fun.  I helped with the music and games.  I tried to mentor girls when I was really finding out about myself.  I saw God move through the kids and through me.  I felt like I was doing something good.  I felt significant in the lives I was working with.  I wanted more.

I met my husband through this youth group.  We got married and promptly moved to Boulder, Colorado.  We felt Boulder was where we should be.  I had always wanted to go to Colorado.  My hubby is from Alaska, so Colorado was a nice balance between the flatlands of Indiana and Alaska.  We thought that we could jump into a church youth group and feel the same life moving significance we did with our youth in Indiana.  We were sadly mistaken.  Looking back I see that was not in God's plan for us.  We served in other ways.  My hubby helped with the church maintenance.  I helped with the kiddos on Saturday night.  I also planned the church Passover Seder for over 500 guests.  We were very active in our Life Group.  We were fulfilled in ways that we did not plan or think would be apart of our lives.  We loved our life in Colorado. Then an opportunity came across us that hit us like a ton of bricks.  I was 2 weeks post baby (our first) and we were asked if we would be interested in taking a job in Alaska as full time Camp Directors.  WHAT??  Are you kidding me?  There is no way I was ever going to Alaska, other than to visit.  Plus I just had a baby.  What are they thinking?  After the flurry of emotions subsided a bit, we really thought and pray about the opportunity.  We came to the conclusion of "Why Not?"  What do we have to lose?  We are young and just starting out.  We are young and dumb.  Why not?  We drove to Alaska from Colorado with everything we could fit in a Nissan Frontier and a 6x10 trailer.  If it didn't fit it was sold.  We were literally living on faith.  We were going to do something significant.  We were going to change this little Christian camp around.  From weeds to seeds.  And you know what?  With the help of God, grace, a lot of helping hands and a why not mentality, we did.  It was amazing!  To see it come from run down to thriving was incredible.  To see kids, who didn't really want to come to camp, make sure their parents knew they wanted to come next year before they even left the property was priceless.  To see the darkness in their eyes, to beaming with lights was like flying on a cloud.  I felt significant.  I felt good about who I was and what I was doing.

   

And then a change in the wind came.  I can't describe it.  It was a feeling.  Like God was pulling at me.  Pulling at my mind and heart to go home to Indiana.  Why?  Why would I want to go back to the flatland?  A place where most people work to work some more.  I had been living in 2 distinct places where people worked to be able to play.  Camping, mountain biking, hiking, skiing, snowboarding were all at my finger tips.  Wildlife galore.  A mother moose with twin babies lived on our property.  I saw a black bear while I was running one day. (yeah, that is a whole other post in itself)  Why in the world would I want to move again?  But God was telling me that our time in Alaska, at Camp Challenge Ministries, was coming to an end.   A couple of months later I found out I was pregnant with twins.  Hmmm. Okay God.

We moved.  We racked up more debt and we moved in with my hubby's parents. On my About page you can see what has happened to me over the last 8 months.  A quick recap... We moved, my mom's cancer came back, I had two darling girls, I turned the big 3-0, we moved again, my mom past away.  In someways I am trying to find myself again in this new place.  In this new town, this new body, this new mind...  I believe I may be searching for significance in all the wrong places.

I want to be able to see my significance in the eyes of my mom.



I will have to revisit this again later...   Too many emotions right now to type more.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for your kind comments and encouragement on Searching for Significance: Part 1.  Those who have commented have really made me think about my search.  Please be patient with me as I try to put more words to my search in Part 3.

~ Selena

Burning the Midnight Oil

Have you ever thought, "What the heck am I doing?" "What happened to me?" "Where did the person go that I thought I was?"

If I was asked this question, I would be bopping my head up and down thinking, "have you been reading my thoughts?"

I know where I have been, what I have done, and who I have spent time with.  But I have no idea where I am going, what I am going to do, or who I will end up spending time with while I am there.

These are the things that I do know:

1. I thought that I would be a career woman.  I am a stay at home mom.


2. I thought I would be single at least until my late twenties. I am a wife of a wonderful husband of 6 years.


3. I thought I would have children when I was around the age of 32.  I had my first child at the age of 26.


4. I thought 2 kids would be just enough.  I am a mother of a very smart and active 4 year old boy and uber cute (but very loud) twin 4 month old girls.


5. I never wanted to raise a family in Indiana.  My husband and I were married in Indiana, moved promptly to Colorado, then to Alaska, and now guess where we are...back in Indiana.


6. I thought I would have both of my parents until I was, at the very least, 60.  I buried my amazing mother this past January (I'm only 30).


7. I have every intention of going to bed at a decent hour.  I usually never get to bed before midnight. Hence Midnight Oil Momma.


8. I know that everything I have planned in my life never turns out the way I wanted...thanks be to God.

So this is the start of my blog.  Obviously I would like it to be successful. I would like to tell you what I want to get out of it and what I would like you to get out of it.  But as you can see, from the above list, where I end up will most likely not be where I thought.

My hope for this blog is to be able to come to a place where I can write out my thoughts, feelings, my parenting stories, cooking adventures, gardening experiences, travels, my disappointments and triumphs.  I also hope that you will find this blog encouraging, inspiring, a blessing and a place where you can respond to my adventures of being an untrained mom.

Thank you for reading.  Until next time.