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| Buchart Gardens. Victoria, B.C. |
When did it happen? When was it that women decided (or maybe it was men decided) that women had to do more than just taking care of their family. As if taking care of the house, the bills, the kids, the husband, etc., etc., etc., was not enough. I ask this, not because I think that women doing other things than solely taking care of their household is the only way. But because I struggle with the feeling that I need to be doing more than just seeing to my family. Isn't that enough? I mean I have 3 sweet, but demanding kiddos. I have a hubby that loves me unconditionally, but has a hard time staying organized. I am blessed by a God that loves me, but I find myself in a 'once in a while relationship'. The roof over my head is great, but I am constantly cleaning the inside. The food on the table is good most of the time, but sometimes I just do not want to make anything. And yet I still feel like I need to be doing more. More what? Something, anything that provides or makes me feel significant. Ohhh, maybe what I struggle with is, for whatever reason, that I feel like I do not get enough significance out of just being a mom, wife, daughter, sister... Ew, that sounds ugly. And I do not like it.
I know it is here somewhere. Where did I put it? I feel like I am searching for my significance like I laid down my car keys and I can't seem to find them.
Growing up, I didn't think about the need to be significant. I just did. My significance was in what I was supposed to be focusing on: school, sports, and family. That was all I was supposed to be worried about. At the same time I felt like I was reaching for a higher purpose. I was building myself up to become something more. The same happened in college. I was there for a reason. To complete my four year degree and make something of myself. While in college, I helped with a local youth group. I went on trips and went to youth camp with them. And God moved in me every time. I floated away somewhere after that. I got married and invested myself into my husband and building our life. A new me. A new place, a new adventure, a new church, new, new, new. What happened to the old me? The driven, stubborn, head strong, woman that knew what she wanted and felt like she had significance?
I want to find that woman again. Soon.
Because I feel like I am opening a can of worms with myself. I am taking this one slow. So there will probably be a part 2...3...4...who knows. Please, I encourage comments. I promise I will answer them. Part of having an area to comment is to gain some encouragement from those who are reading. Thanks for reading.
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Welcome to my brain selena. I think you and i need to have a glass of wine over a nice long phone call. Or I'll just ship your family here. I have struggled with being content as a sahm for years - you do need to be you, but still theirs without losing the 'you' I think my life was so wrapped up in being a mom and a wife that I lost who i was, what I wanted, what I could do to make our family dynamic better. As it turns out, for our family it was right of me to get a job -meet other people and not just moms because when you surround yourself with only like people, your vision is barred. I'm not saying go get a job or anything but maybe join a book club -not a mom club- or go work in a resturant one night a week or go visit a nursing home -just gaining perspective that you are not lost in a sea of cleaning the house, making the dinner, reading, diapering, teaching...you are so much more!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the encouragement!!! I am so glad working outside of the home is working for you!
ReplyDeleteFirst let me say... I LOVE Buchart Gardens! Did you know we used to live in Vancouver, BC? I can't remember if you read that about me or not or if we have talked about it. Anyways, one of my all time favorite places on the planet.
ReplyDeleteSecondly, great part 1. I look forward to reading more. I completely understand where you are coming from. Have you read "One Thousand Gifts" yet? I really recommend it. She talks a lot about this and I it has been really helpful. I actually posted a giveaway this afternoon and the book is one of the items, if you want to check it out.
I look forward to reading more about your journey, Selena!
Cheryl - I did not know that you lived in BC. My hubby and I went to Victoria for a vacation last April. We absolutely loved every bit of it! Buchart Gardens was my favorite. We really like BC, period.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the encouragement. I have not read that book and I totally went straight to your blog and posted a comment ;-) I am so glad I am not alone in this journey! Thanks again!
I can relate too, even though I do work outside the home. And I agree with Lynne's comment about carving out some time for you to be yourself apart from wife, mommy, etc. This stage of motherhood can be so physically and emotionally demanding that it is important to come up for air at times. And I don't think that's a bad thing. It's a bit like they say on the airplane EVERY TIME before take off: "Be sure to secure your oxygen mask before assisting others". I'll write more on this later, I look forward to your thoughts as you process this topic. It's something I have been working through too.
ReplyDeleteI love that thought. "Be sure to secure your oxygen mask before assisting others". Thank you for your insight. You are so right. This stage is soooo demanding and overwhelming, but so fun too.
ReplyDeleteLook for the book "Passionate Housewives: Desperate for God." It describes how the Bible considers housewives and it's AMAZING. I just started reading it for the second time and I'm getting more out of it this time.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the only way to change how you feel is not to change what you're doing at all, but simply to learn how to change your perspective on what you're doing.
Hugs, Mama.
Sonja
Sonja!! Love that thought, "Sometimes the only way to change how you feel is not to change what you're doing at all, but simply to learn how to change your perspective on what you're doing." Thank you! I hope you and your crew are doing well in Alaska! Thanks for the comment!
ReplyDeleteI have started to struggle with this same issue lately but have come to peace with it, knowing that I am the best for my family and that I wouldn't want anyone else to be taking care of my kiddos. One of my church friends was also struggling with this and blogged about it. I regained some of my strength through her blog; http://ohhowhappy.wordpress.com/2011/01/
ReplyDeleteTo be at peace is so hard sometimes. I think when society is out there whispering in your ear 'more, more, more'. We need more so therefore we need to do more to afford the more. I don't like it, but I fall prey to this thought a lot.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the link, Kylie. I will check it out! Thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate your thoughts!
Selena, Hopefully you don't mind a thought from "family"..
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your honesty and transparency. I think that if you were to ask any mother, they too, would honestly say they have struggled in this thought in some form or another.
This especially hits a person when their life veers a direction that is a total unexpected suprise. (turst me, I know!) I remember feeling this way three years ago after having Gabe. I felt like I had lost my significance. My luster. I was dull and unexciting, not sexy, not active. Nothing that my husband fell in love with. I shared this with a friend, who in turn, told me that it was like I was Brittany Spears. What??? I was a little offended to being compared to such a person. Afterall, we were nothing alike. ...but Yes, I guess I was like a Brittany Spears gone bad or something. Trying to find my significance after having a child. Balancing out how we feel at the present moment with the day dreams of the care-free yester year. (I have to keep this in check on especially bad days)
I think our whole lives revolves around what the world says is significant. A significance that is perhaps not real at all. Afterall, we seem to lose it when things are different or not going the right way. God teaches that our significance comes directly down from Him. Who is Selena in God's eyes? Besides being a mom, a wife, a daughter, etc, etc. When it is just you and God, toe to toe... what did He make in you?
I recieved a book from someone when I was struggling with being the person of many hats. I couldn't possibly be all things to all people. And who would recognize it, anyway?? The book helped me to focus on what God had for me that day and to change my heart for my home. What could I do differently to make my home better? Women set the tone for the home. The book said... "We are in the business of growing hearts while preventing damage from the weeds the world blows into our garden. The reponsibility can be overwhelming at times, but we are God's chosen people for this extraordinary task. I desperately want my home to be a safe haven, a retreat, a space to regroup, and a loving place to repair the damage the world throws our way. Our houses, whether large or small, offer only walls and a roof. A home is created inside when we use our imaginations to create a space that nurtures souls. When our four wall adopt OUR personality, they become a perfect place to share ourselves".
This is a blip in the radar and soon we will morph into another kind of woman when our kids go to school and then again when they are eventually out of the house. I'm sure we will find ourselves asking the same questions again...only to find that God is molding and changing us for another task.
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ReplyDeleteGod made us all with different hearts desires. Pray that God would give you the desires that He wants you to have for the moment. He can help you to be the best you can be for any given day. ....of course, you DO need your time to get rejuvinated! I get rejuvinated by taking an hour utterly alone every day. But I"m an introvert. You might need to get alone or with people for an hour a day, but work it out with your family. It will help you be able to give more of yourself.
I hope that this is an encouragement. You are a fabulous person and I love you!
Deb
p.s. i don't understand the comment profile box so I said anonymous
Deb - What a great, encouraging comment! Of course I welcome comments from family. I can handle constructive criticism. If I don't like it, I just go complain to Brad. Ha! Just kidding. But in all seriousness, thank you for your insight. Yeah, I don't know how I would take if someone compared me to Britney Spears either. But I like the analogy.
ReplyDeleteWhat book did you quote?
Love you too and thanks for your comment! You have given me more to think and pray about.