Hello...mom...

I can't deny the fact that I have been struggling a lot the last few days.  It all started with a fundraiser that I am apart of for the American Cancer Society.  My cousin has started a team for the cancer fundraiser called 'Relay for Life'.  She named the team after my mom, who passed away January 22nd of metastatic melanoma cancer.  It is called 'Sheila Love'.

I am not so emotional about the fact that I am going to be participating in an overnight walk for cancer.  It is the process.  I need to raise money for this relay.  It is for future cancer research.  So I have asked my friends and family to support me.   I don't know about you, but I HATE asking for anything from anybody.  I play this mind reading game with myself.  In fact, it is such a habit I don't even know that I am doing it.  Before I even ask someone to do something, I have already predicted that there will be absolutely no reason as to why they would want to do anything I have planned.  Or I say to myself, "Oh, they don't have time for that.  They have work, kids, family..." This can go on until I have convinced myself that I will just do whatever it is in my little head, by myself.  So.  I planned on paying for my own goal amount for the relay.  I put the emails out there as a front.  To tell myself, "okay, I did what I was asked to do." But I never imagined people supporting me.

As a habit, I check my email.  The first new email that I spotted was one that said in the subject line, "a donation was made on your behalf".  I thought "What?" Immediately when I opened the email I burst out in a gigantic sobfest.  You know the kind.  The nasty, snot-filled, mascara smearing, alligator tears, sobfest.  The dollar amount was amazing, but that didn't really get to me as much as the fact that someone was supporting me.  You know who you are.  Thank you.

The same day, I was trying to find the recipes that my mom gave to me.  The 'Sheila Love' team is planning on selling a cookbook with my mom's recipes in it, for a fundraiser as well.   I knew I had some of her amazing recipes.  Upon looking for them, I realized that I didn't have as many as I thought.  It hurts me that I don't have them.  It makes me sad that I didn't ask for her recipes when she was with me.  It makes me feel like I didn't take the time to find out about them....her.  One recipe, that is maybe her most famous, is Death By Chocolate.  You may think you know Death By Chocolate, but you don't know until you have had my mom's Death By Chocolate.  She did it different.  I don't have that recipe.  I have made it a couple of times.  So I know most of it by memory.  But I am questioning a part of it.

I would call my mom in the grocery store.  You are probably thinking, well I have done that.  No really.  I would call my mom who lived in Indiana from Alaska to ask her where something was located in the grocery store.  I would call her and ask her how she made a certain dish.  But my fault was, that I didn't write it down.  I would call her to ask her opinion on anything and everything.  But I never wrote it down.  So I am kicking myself.  Beating myself up, because I am not sure of her Death By Chocolate recipe.  All I want to do is call her and hear her voice.  Hello....mom....